Backtrack

I never really talked publicly about what happened to me in the past. Sebab banyak hati kena jaga. But I can talk to you about how hard it was afterwards. Lepas Cerai, dalam usaha nak cari bahagia balik, mesti ada banyak benda nak kena timbang semula. What went wrong? Maybe I shouldn't act this way or this way. or Think this way. Oh ok maybe I shouldnt do that. 

Macam macam benda yang aku selalu buat, aku tinggalkan bila dah mulakan hidup baru 

Sebelum cerai, aku kurang amik kisah soal penampilan. Yes. Me. Bukan apa, kewangan masih tak mengizinkan untuk aku nak melaram sangat. I quit my job in UPM just to move to Johor and I only had one year of experience. I did get a job eventually at an international school but I turned it down because of the principle. Remember that story? SO i didnt work for a year. Its only a year but one year of doing nothing really puts a stall in your life. 

Lepas dah tinggalkan semua benda yang sedih dalam hidup, baru aku perasan, aku asik melaram. Hati happy, dah kerja, takda risau dalam hidup. Feels like I died and was reborn again. Tak perasan yang diri dah berubah sampaila orang tegur. tiap minggu kerja shopping baju baru je. Kerja melaram and upload. BAHAHA. 

Thats the good part. 

I dont date random people either. Its always been people from college who I know firsthand or people at work. Never some random dude who I met at the library or through online. It gives me great security to date someone who I know personally before going to the next level. 

That changed too. I began to date people online. Me. Date people online. Thats a first. First one didnt work. OBVIOUSLY haha. But I hit jackpot afterwards. Teehee. 

And I began to stop my urge of pleasing other people all the time. Its always been inside of me. Pleasing people, putting their needs above my own. wanting to please them that I get lost and my personality gets shunned and suppressed until no one can hear what I want. Cause I was busy giving people what THEY want. 

Thats gone out the window. 

The bad side? 

I get more sensitive. AS if there is a shield and an alarm that goes off everytime I sense danger . Read : when something can offend me. 

it's so intense but Im guessing Its kind of a transformation for me. 

From the person I used to be. And the person who I want to be. Who I am now. 

Cause I felt so alone before. I had to take care of myself. 

I guess it takes time to take that wall down.

I also learned, that those who weren't there for you when you're down and on the lowest level, doesn't deserve to share your happiness when you've finally smiling. 

Its either they're there through everything. 

Or not. 

So to Cuya, Yaya, Huda, Kak Long, Kak Ngah, Here's to you guys. 

Im finally happy again.